Contact and Loss Cycle: A Roadmap from Connection to Grief
THERAPY – The essence of life lies in creating meaningful and deep relationships with those around us. People come and go all the time, whether we want it or not. Family members, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, romantic partners and loved ones. Losing these connections can result in profound grief and heartache. Sometimes, these goodbyes are harder than others: the deeper the connection, the harder the farewell. Having relationships with those around us brings both joy and inevitable sorrow. From the fulfilling highs of deep connection to the heart-breaking lows of grief and loss, our interactions with others shape our existence. Connection, separation and grief are both part of life.
In this article, we will explain the process of connecting with people and the part of grief and loss that will follow sooner or later in life. Each step in this journey leaves a permanent mark on our hearts and minds. It is of utmost importance to connect with people, and it is just as important to fully go through all phases of the Contact and Loss Cycle. By the end of this article, you will understand what these phases are and why it is so important to go through all of them. We will explain to you how to navigate through each one.
Mindset Explained"Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are or who you want to become."
Everything is connected: Relationships in different areas
Before we delve deeply into the Contact and Loss Cycle, it is good to realize that we can have relationships and feel connected to more things in life than just other humans. Perhaps you may not think about it initially, but in the following areas, we can feel a deep and profound connection too. The deeper the connection, the more important it becomes to go through all phases of the Contact and Loss Cycle, from initial contact to separation and grief.
Pets
Many people form deep bonds with their pets such as dogs, cats and other animals. The loss of a beloved pet can be emotionally devastating.
Physical items
Losing certain possessions can also evoke feelings of grief and sadness. The loss may hold sentimental, nostalgic or financial significance, and may also involve personal attachment or be intertwined with our identity. Additionally, there can be practical consequences to losing certain items, as well as feelings of guilt or regret. Recognizing and processing these emotions is essential for healing and recovery.
Nature
While we may not “lose” nature in the same way we lose people or animals, environmental degradation and natural disasters can lead to a sense of grief over the loss of beautiful landscapes, ecosystems and wildlife.
Beliefs and Values
Changes in our beliefs and values, whether due to personal growth, shifting perspectives or external influences, can sometimes lead to a sense of loss or grief as we experience these changes.
Memories and Experiences
The loss of cherished memories or the inability to relive past experiences can evoke feelings of nostalgia and grief, especially as we grow older or experience significant life changes.
Each area represents a unique aspect of our existence that contributes to our sense of identity, connection, and purpose. Experiencing loss in one of them can be felt deeply and will have a profound impact on us.
The above summary is included to provide comprehensive information. In the next section of the article, our main focus will be on human relationships.
What is the Contact and Loss Cycle exactly?
The concept of the Contact and Loss Cycle is developed by the insightful Dutch psychologist Marinus van den Berg. It also contains elements of the Kubler-Ross Model that describes The Five Stages of Grief. It offers an in depth understanding of how we navigate the dance between connection and loss within our relationships. We use this method in our Coaching Program as a tool to help you process and take the next step at the right moment.
In essence, the Contact and Loss Cycle will be applied by our Coaches like a roadmap for your emotions, particularly during times of grief and transition. We provide you with the right support and guidance in the tempo you want. It’s all about recognizing the stages we all go through as we form attachments, experience separation and ultimately find ways to rebuild our lives after loss.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to."
Initial Contact: Be Welcome
All relationships begin with the initial contact, how this occurs varies for each of us. The manner in which someone initiates contact is closely tied to their early experiences of being welcomed into the world and their family. The blueprint for this is established at a very young age.
To illustrate this, consider the following example: a young man grows up in a large and bustling family environment, where there is constant activity. He may have frequently heard his parents say, “Go play outside, I don’t have time for you right now.” As a result, he may have felt burdensome and unwelcome as a child. This early experience influences how he approaches social interactions in his present-day life. When he enters a social gathering, he may feel as though all eyes are on him, once again experiencing a sense of unwelcome. These perceptions shape his behaviour, as he acts in accordance with his deeply held beliefs. How one is welcomed as a child can significantly impact their behaviour later in life. Our Coaches are trained to help transform these limiting beliefs into empowering ones.
George Washington"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence."
Attachment: Do you Dare to Embrace Connection?
After the initial contact and welcome follows attachment. Think back to those moments when you first formed a deep bond with someone. Maybe you think immediately about a friend, partner or family member? This stage is marked by warmth, intimacy and a profound sense of belonging. It’s like finding your soul reflected in another person and it fills you with a deep sense of joy and security. This vulnerability is at the heart of attachment, as we open ourselves up to the possibility of both immense joy and deep sorrow.
Attachment involves forming bonds with others, prompting the question: “How close can one become?” Various attachment styles can be distinguished, each resulting in different behaviours. Someone could become overly clingy and possessive, constantly seeking validation, or someone becomes withdrawed and passive. The root of the preferred attachment style also lies in the same blueprint created during the first years of life. Being clingy may indicate that the other person possesses qualities that you missed so much in your own childhood. Dysfunctional attachment styles can hinder or even block progression to the next steps in the cycle.
C.S. Lewis"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken."
Connection and Intimacy
This phase is all about safety, which creates the courage to be fully authentic. “Is the other person safe enough for you to dare to be vulnerable?” This is the phase where the connection could deepen, forming bonds of trust, vulnerability and emotional intimacy. Connecting is trusting the other, is that person safe enough?
It begins with the initial spark of attraction, drawing two people together in a dance of mutual understanding and shared experiences. As the relationship blossoms, walls are gradually dismantled. Sufficient safety will lead to authentic expressions of thoughts, feelings and desires. This phase is characterized by a sense of warmth, closeness and emotional resonance, as people develop a deep sense of connection and belonging with one another. Of course, it could also happen that the bond does not deepen and remains on the surface.
Communication is the cornerstone of intimacy. As people begin to openly share their hopes, fears, and dreams, this courage to be vulnerable contributes to a sense of mutual understanding and empathy. It’s in the quiet moments of shared laughter, physical touch and the heartfelt conversations that the relationship flourishes. Through genuine connection and emotional intimacy, people find comfort, support and fulfilment in each other’s presence. This is the phase where the foundation is laid for a strong relationship built on values that are important to both parties.
Carl Jung"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
Separation: Navigating Loss and Saying Goodbye
But as life unfolds, so does the inevitability of separation. Whether through death, distance or the shifting tides of life, we all experience moments when the bonds we cherish are tested or broken. This stage of the Contact and Loss Cycle is marked by grief, longing and a strong sense of emptiness. The essence of loss lies in losing the attachment, it is an interruption of the connection. The ease of this goodbye is deeply influenced by the previous phases. A deep attachment often results in a more difficult and painful goodbye compared to a superficial attachment. A farewell ritual makes it easier to navigate through loss because it provides structure to saying goodbye. This can be achieved through various means, such as a gift, letter, symbol or poem. Do whatever feels right for you, and dare to be creative and personal.
Rumi"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation."
Grief: Embracing the Pain, Honour Your Losses
Grief is an essential aspect of the human experience and is also integral to the Contact and Loss Cycle. It is intricately woven into the fabric of our relationships and connections. You can experience grief about everything you needed to say goodbye to: the life you once had, the life you thought you could have, the loss of the person you were before a life-changing event, or the loss of the person you were before and that part of yourself that you lost in a toxic relationship.
The depth of attachment determines the intensity of grief required to detach from a relationship. Grief is a completely normal reaction when coping with a significant loss. Without grief, the process of letting go and moving forward would be incomplete, hindering our ability to heal and grow.
By allowing ourselves to fully experience and honour our grief, we acknowledge the significance of what or who we have lost. Through this process, we honour the memories and emotions that remain while also creating space for new beginnings and opportunities. In the quiet moments that follow, nostalgia takes hold. This stage is bittersweet, filled with both joy for what once was and sorrow for what is no longer. Grief reminds us of the depth of our capacity to love and the resilience of the human spirit, guiding us through loss with compassion, understanding and hope.
Mindset Explained"You don't have to let go of someone, you can choose to hold them differently."
Reconstruction: Define a new meaning for what is loss
The last phase is called reconstruction: it is a time to redefine a new meaning and definition of what is no longer a part of your life. “What was the meaning of the person and the relationship before?”. “How do you experience that now?”. For example, you might feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for someone who was part of your life for a while.
In this stage you also form a new course forward. It’s a time of healing, growth and rediscovery as we learn to navigate life without the physical presence of those we’ve lost. While the pain may never fully dissipate, we find solace in the knowledge that love endures, transcending even the boundaries of time and space. In the process of reconstruction, we can honour the legacy of those we’ve lost by embracing life with renewed power and purpose.
Mindset Explained"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never had it at all."
The Contact and Loss Cycle: Some Final Advice
Many people take shortcuts and skip steps in the Contact and Loss Cycle. The result is unprocessed emotions and feelings that hinder the next relationship. People skip steps because they fear certain steps and the associated intense emotions or pain they experienced in a previous relationship.
It is important to first complete an old cycle before starting a new one. Do not rush into a new relationship when you are still processing the loss of a previous one. Take all the time you need to go through the cycle thoroughly.
An intense experience of loss can result in keeping distance to protect yourself from the same pain and heartache. This will lead to less deep connections with others, you keep people at a safe distance. Keeping distance and avoiding deep contact also means automatically doing the same with yourself and your own feelings. There is an important role for the Mind in this: you can train yourself to change the repetition of mechanisms that hold you back from deep and meaningful connections. With the right healthy mindset, you can change this, including your behaviour and results. Don’t believe everything your thoughts tell you. Dare to break the pattern and make different choices!
It is perfectly normal if you need some professional guidance with this process, Our Coaches can help you recognizing and breaking these patterns. Do not hesitate to plan a session so we can explore together the possibilities.
Helen Keller"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
The Contact and Loss Cycle offers insights into the complexities of human relationships and the process of grief. It reminds us that while loss may test the limits of our endurance, it also holds the power to deepen our capacity for love, compassion and resilience. We find solace in the knowledge that we are never truly alone, the connections with others will endure long after they’ve passed from this world.